How to overcome the fear of making mistakes
Amelia Jean Hershman-Jones
Wellness
Reading time: 5 minutes
Do you have FOMM (Fear Of Making Mistakes)? Here’s how to use your mistakes to push you forward, rather than hold you back
We’ve all been there - made an error in judgement at work, double-booked that long-awaited catch-up with a friend or said something embarrassing in front of a room full of people. But rather than being able to brush it off and start fresh the next day, we just can’t seem to shake it off.
Missteps can have the annoying ability to stick with us, which after time can make us afraid to move forward at all. Enter: FOMM, or the fear of making mistakes.
If you’ve found that the fear of failure is holding you back from living your best life, know that you’re not alone. The good news? No one can reduce the amount of mistakes to zero but we can learn to recognise and reframe FOMM so we can use it as fuel for better decision making, and resilience, in the long run.
How can you start to build back your confidence? We ask chartered clinical psychologist and author of How to Overcome Trauma and Find Yourself Again, Dr Jessamy Hibberd, to break down FOMM, so we can learn to harness the fear of negative outcomes to make bolder, consciously considered choices and make our mistakes actually work for, rather than against us.
Why do I hate making mistakes?
It’s the same as avoiding touching a hot stove once you’ve realised it will burn you: it can feel uncomfortable.
“Often, one of the standards we set ourselves is that we should never fail and this can also link to perfectionism,” Dr Hibberd begins. “We want to avoid the discomfort that comes when things go wrong.”
However, starting to see the feeling of cringe that you want to bury as a useful building block for confidence, can help you to see it in a new light. “It can be helpful to remember that confidence and insecurity are like a circle - part of growth and change,” says Dr Hibberd.
“You’re not sure you can do it, then you do it and gain confidence. But you don’t just stay there, it swings round to insecurity again and you’re constantly moving around the circle.” The takeaway? We can’t have one without the other.
These experiences provide us with an opportunity to learn how to cope with difficult situations, helping us discover that they are not as scary as we thought
Why is making mistakes important?
“When we make a mistake or fail at something, it hurts. But when we try to avoid it, we’re trying to avoid a normal part of life that could actually be beneficial,” explains Dr Hibberd.
You heard that right: setbacks could actually be doing us a favour. “While it might sting, these experiences provide us with an opportunity to learn how to cope with difficult situations, helping us discover that they are not as scary as we thought.
“The evidence that the world doesn’t fall apart means that we are no longer so afraid of things going wrong. It also gives us vital practice at dealing with difficulty, so we see we can cope.”
As well as resilience, ‘failure’ can be an important part of growth. “Growth isn’t meant to be comfortable; we’re pushed out of autopilot and into uncharted territory,” highlights Dr Hibberd. “We will learn new skills and they will stretch us.” And a stretch can smart until we get used to it.
Consider mistakes a vital chapter of your journey: “It’s difficult to find a success story where failure isn’t part of the story and believe me, I've looked,” Dr Hibberd admits.
“Everyone stumbles on the road to success. The reason? Failure and mistakes are ultimately part of finding our way to success. They’re not getting it wrong, they’re part of getting it right.”
How to overcome fear of making mistakes
Whether it’s a fear of making mistakes at work or your social and personal life, here are three ways to help rewire your relationship with failure, push past negative thoughts around what might happen and start seeing your missteps as motivators.
1. Be kind to yourself
“It’s important to give yourself permission to fail and to recognise that there’s no single right way to do things,” begins Dr Hibberd.
Messed up? Free up your headspace with some self-forgiveness. “It might sound strange, but research shows that one of the most effective things we can do is to forgive ourselves. Mistakes and failure are linked to negative feelings, so if we reduce these, it puts us in a better position to do well next time.”
When we try to reduce the chances of failure or making mistakes, we’re missing out
2. Accept that mistakes will happen
No matter how big or small, mistakes are a normal part of life. “When we try to reduce the chances of failure or making mistakes, we’re missing out,” says Dr Hibberd. Embracing the fact that not everything can be within our control can feel refreshingly freeing.
Remembering that failure is part of the story of success, not separate from it, can be helpful to draw strength from. “Accepting this helps take the pressure off and makes it easier to move forward,” Dr Hibberd adds.
3. Talk it through
Talking through our anxieties and the mistakes we’ve made can help us reframe our fear to become solutions-focused, rather than a fixation on a perceived threat.
“It’s also important we talk more about what goes wrong as a way to see that it’s just a part of what makes things go right,” Dr Hibberd assures us. “So often we only show the 'ta dah' moment or the end product instead of all the sweat, tears, mistakes and failures it took to get us to that point.”
Speaking with friends and family about the mistakes we’ve made can be a useful way to share the load and feel less alone. There’s a good chance they’ve been there too and who knows, it might help inject a welcome dose of humour into that particularly challenging situation.
Need an extra helping hand or want to speak to someone who could provide a more objective perspective? Consider booking in with SupportRoom*, which offers on-demand talking therapy with a coach, therapist or mentor via in-app messaging, voice messages, video messages and one-to-one 30-minute video sessions.
When to seek help
There is a line where FOMM can affect your mental health in a more substantial way, crossing over into atelophobia - an overwhelming fear of imperfection that affects someone’s daily life.
The NHS advises seeking support from a healthcare professional if you're struggling to cope with anxiety, fear or panic, and if things you're trying yourself aren’t helping.
If this resonates, you can get a referral from a GP or access free talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) by referring yourself directly.
Boots also offer a range of mental health services* in our Health Hub, to help you find the advice and support you may need for your mental health. Whether you’re finding it difficult to form good relationships or to build resilience to overcome challenges, know that help is available.
